Sunday, November 10, 2013

Still here


Hello, world. It's me. I know it's been six months since I last checked in -- a record, yes -- but I'm still here.

I'm still on the farm, but tonight my children are not. They're at their dad's place, his small apartment in the village, their new second home.

Instead of reading them stories and tucking them into bed tonight with never enough 'I love yous,' I snatch a hug, glance a peck on each cheek, and watch them rush out the door towards the headlights of his waiting car, moths drawn to a flame.

Instead of strolling down the driveway tomorrow morning and waiting for the bus amidst knock-knock jokes and who-gets-on-the-bus-firsts, he'll send them off from his streetscape doorway with hugs and kisses and reminders about street safety before they walk to school with their friends.

Instead of bracing for after-school bursts through the front door, a flurry of backpacks and artwork and dogs barking and calls of, "Mum, what's to eat?" peppered with stories of schoolyard drama and how many goals, the dogs will still be sleeping in front of the fire at 4:05 pm as their young charges walk to the park or the library or home. His home.

It's exciting, this new second home, and I want to be excited, even happy, for them. For him. And yet, right now, I'm just sad and scared and empty.

But I'm still here.

4 comments:

Mama Pea said...

My heart is heavy knowing what you are going through. Have faith that it will get better. Sending as much love as I can via the Internet.

Amy L. said...

Fiona, I'm so sorry! Glad you're still here and that you were able to share. Sending big love to you...

David said...

Fiona, I'm very sorry to hear that life has thrown you a curve. Thoughts and prayers will come your way from Nebraska. Some times just still being here has to be enough. From my life's experiences, things do get better. Just don't give up and keep trying to do the next right thing. You are stronger than you think you are. Looking to my faith and reading Psalms comforted me. King David had some desperate times but always he kept his faith. It's ok to be sad; it's ok to cry; it's ok to be even mad at how things turned out. Just don't stay there. Some times one day at a time is the best one can do. I've spent more time in the dried up desert of life than I want to remember but always when I got through it, life was good again. Yours will be too.

Fiona@RowangarthFarm said...

Thank you, friends. While I know there are still dark days ahead, I also believe that thing will get better, for all of us.

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